one last time.

we have decided. this will be the last.

this will be my last contribute to st john. one last time. after this, no more.

it was said that we have the chance to choose whether we want to participate or not. but ended up, we have no choice but to go. the tone, the style of the messages and calls i received were quite sharp and indicates that we'll actually be sorry if we dont go i suppose.

if we dont go, our school's reputation. our school's honour. our juniors' future..? lol. maybe a lil exaggerating here but i believe more or less it'll be affected. all wrecked if we ffk-ed.

seniors taught us with much hardship, seniors helped set off our 'route' so we wont have troubles in leading our division. if we dont go, we'll be spoiling our juniors' route and they will surely encounter a lot of trouble handling our division. haih..

against our own will.

5 from the 10 of us talked for a long time yesterday. all of us in a dilemma. four of us, settled. we'll be going. as for the latter, i believe you paling kesian punya. -.- 4 against 1. at least my team is 3 against 2. lol.

jia you..? =X

un-well.

=/ slept <10 hours in 3 days.

yea, yea, yea, ah khim, thuan song, shao qian, zhi yin and some others were talking about my 'double-eye-lids'. they say that mine doesnt grow on top of my eyes, mine grows under my eyes! lol. what they actually meant was the 'eye "bags"' (yan3 dai4). xD xD yea, i know mine's really kao lat these few days.

because of 're qi' (as explained by soh ling and sze chin), my teeth always bites my tongue. until my tongue is now kinda swollen or even having an ulcer already. =( hate that feeling.

mentally exhausted as well as physically pale-looking. must get back to ideal condition before midterm or i'll be so deadmeat. ><

dilemma.

a long forgotten topic. i have forgotten and also, thrown this topic to the back of my mind a LONG time ago.

until.....

2 days ago, i received a call. when i saw the caller ID, everything suddenly rushed into my mind. i answered "hello?" "hello, zhihan ar.." "ermm.. yea..?" "about competition horr.." and i went to this mode:"SHIT!"

i was so running out of time settling my add maths on sunday night and i received this call. lol! memang speechless. and i realized i had to give an answer about this topic soon, very, soon.

i am in a dilemma whether to go or not to go. my parents have been complaining about my 83% for maths, daddy wanted me to get >90% and i told him "your daughter aint gawd, just a below average student". and my mummy has been going on and on about how the colleague's' daughters have been studying their heads off. ish! pressuring lar.

secondly, i dont see the point in going anymore. my teammates, all having problems with their parents and themselves. even ah khim is giving up on this. a substitute can give up, why cant i give up?

if i am going, i'm going for the sake of trying how it feels like to enter a national competition. how it feels like to be representing a state to compete with the best.

next, if because AA will be going and well, it's the last time we'll all be in this together and its our last memory together in our st john life. meaningful..? or maybe there are other events that we can do together? xD

i do not know which to choose but i know i must make a decision very soon. if i dont make the decision this week, our trainings will be left with only 1 week. that is next week before we start our midterm. no more, no less.

this friday night, training with a doctor. will i go? truthfully speaking, no point going if the others are not going.

this sunday, home nursing course. my team must go for this course to be eligible for the national competition. but i'll miss my marathon if i go. =( i dont want to miss it as i've missed enough already.

haih.. dilemma dilemma. what should i do??

item berfokus.

focus-pocus. whatever it was, its finally its over! =) life is back to normal, for 2 weeks! ><

wasnt in good shape while sitting for this exam so no matter how hard i studied, i didnt perform quite as well as expected. many careless mistakes and forgotten facts. like history, i know i've studied about that topic and memorized it before, but i just couldnt remember a single thing about it. =X

i got back my biology paper today and.. HAIH!!!! i am supposed to get at least A- lar. i could have sworn i knew all the answers. when i saw the E, i was shocked and paralysed with words. i checked my paper and i found out i've written my answers all in the wrong lines, or the worse part, i started answering before i even finished reading the question. ISH!!! so sad for my biology. =(

moral, 80%. first time didnt get full marks in bulanan. =X why? the teacher said it was because the examples i gave were not elaborated long enough. -.- so zadao lar. but nevermind, at least its still an A.

i am BEGGING NOT TO FAIL ADD MATHS!! i need a 72/180 to pass the paper. and i am not even confident to achieve 50/180. lol! how to pass? T^T

sejarah. another gone subject. cis!

oh well, who am i to blame for these xiasui results? i am the one to blame. lost focus and couldnt slap myself out of it.

must put in double more effort next round? how i wish!! i only do the talking and dont take actions. xD gotta change that darm habit. =XX

ice kacang puppy love =)

ice kacang puppy love. a malaysian production film? well, i watched it with the my 'row'-mates today since it was the last day of item berfokus! yeps! =D

this show was pretty nice. it talks about not missing any chances, persueing dreams and being brave. it was a really meaningful piece. =) and quite hilarious at parts. xD

the girls. =) this is the first time we went out together, just the four of us. =) after sitting together for a year and a half, we are quite close and just LOVE to gossip like nobody's business. xD we wanted to buy a key chain/phone hanger or just something that only the four of us have, just to make it meaningful. xD but before we even have the time to buy it, our parents came. =(

oh well, i am looking forward to our next outing. this saturday, right? xD i cant wait!! X) loves! <3

p/s. i'm gonna miss you guys so much. time flies and we're gonna be apart soon. =/ better appreciate the times we have left in secondary. =/

jogathon warisan.

has been some time since i last entered a jogathon. went as ajk of marathon club to 'escort' those F3 and F4 students. xD

jogathon warisan. famous for being held in the cantonese cemetery. nice shirt this year. xD very cute for the 10th year of organizing this event. around 6000+ people participated.

i didnt run in this marathon because i feel like i would like to use the time to study a bit on add maths instead. so i volunteered to stay and 'jaga property' of kwang hua. lol.

eventually studied a bit and had lots of laughs. =) enjoyed the day with a few S2-rians ajk. xD well, take it as a type of 'releasing tension'? oh ya, i cant believe 2 kwang hua girls actually got LOST in the tracks! LOL!! memang zadao lar!! swee thian, andrew and me almost had to run back into the tracks to find them. -.-

i think will participate in this run next year. xin ting, help me register! xD hmmm... i never tried running in a cemetery. i think it'll be fun....??? xD xD xD

pull it together :)

hmmm.. it was easier than i thought! xD xD muahaha!!

i just want to say, i've pulled myself back together, i've made progressions and i think i'm not going to such a lunatic no more. =)

it started friday when i realized my determination to conquer add maths was enough to cover most of my mind. and woots! i did it. =]

i talked to a girl who means something to me, she really taught me a lot from different perspectives and opinions. although i dont really talk to her much, but once we are keeping contact, i really feel 'wise' from her words. lol. she is persuasive and hell, very very knowledgeable although she always denies that she is. =) thanks girl. nice chatting with you for the pass few days. (although my daddy's gonna kill me for the bill when i told him this morning. X] )

nerve-wrecking.

so many things happened lately until i couldnt pull myself back together.

yea, i suppose i'm turning into a nerve-wreaking lunatic. stupid PPD test is a topping to my matter. cis!

been doing things i never knew i would do. never knew of what i would have become. i never see this coming. supposing i have really turned into a lunatic. all those bits and pieces shattered. haih. but what am i to say?

i didnt do really well in this test and i am very clear why i didnt do well. i know this is the act of of stupidity and at my own cost but i need time to just rebuild my own blocks. and this blow will cost me hell-knows-how-long to put back the pieces together. the previous used 4 months. i am SO SURE this will take more than that. hell more than that.

i feel like a retard. my A+ in maths has gone down the bin. wasted 11marks on careless mistakes. my english, two of the SHORTEST essay i've ever written. sejarah, yea, really sejarah, as in sejarah for my first F.

i've observed and found out that i have been the earliest to drop on my table and sleep for EVERY paper. i really need to reform myself SOON! "i must jia you for midterm! i must do better!" these two sentences left me. i dont know how will i do in the exams. i can try but i see no hope.

just another failure. =/

poured.

a promising rain woke me up from my sleep at 3am thursday morning. couldnt get back to sleep afterwards. woke up and sat in front of my desk with my opened sejarah textbook. i listened to the sounds of rain and my mind started to wander.

an hour later, i realized that i have been reading the same page, same row for who-knows how many umpteen times. since i couldnt bring myself to study, i might as well get back to bed.

the rain continued pouring and i continued to wander. its obvious how much i cant sleep that day.

entered the classroom with test pad and my 'utensils'. looked at the question paper and i was blank. so blank. nothing came into my mind, i couldnt remember a thing. reached for my pen and pencil and started 'shooting' for the correct answer. bloody sejarah. ish!

answered the paper while it was raining outside. at least it was drizzling a bit. the feeling of just-laying-and-stop-answering oozed inside me. i just wanted to give up SO much! the idea of getting 56/140 marks seem SO HARD! (fyi, 56/140 is just to PASS the paper.) i dont even think i can get a 50 out of sejarah. ish!

suan le ba, i never liked sejarah anyways. =/

hollow.

i feel so hollow

i remember what you guys said of me yesterday. like a dead body. lol xD looking at myself in the mirror, undeniably, i DO look like a dead body. expression-less face and ah khim's description of a buffalo face. xD i do look horrible dont i?

esther, you made me proud. =) you're good. =] unlike me. lol. the same time, but both of us used totally different methods of handling it. its obvious, i'm the failure, aint i? =p good luck girl. ^^

*

flashback starts and i look up at my ceiling. glaring in space and feel the chill on my face. the sensation is weird-ly funny. something beyond words to describe it.

zero to hero or hero to zero? i'll say nothing to hero and from hero vanished into oblivion. and i remember the puddle on my table. something i never thought i'd do. =/

the same hollow feeling as per 8 months ago. the prick. just that it pierced deeper this time.

*

6 more days and i'll get my sleep back. =]

i remember this saying:"dont worry, be happy". hopefully sejarah will turn out okay tomorrow. =)

and after SPM, sejarah will really be HISTORY. i cant wait for that day to come. =)

the pouring of the rain.

it rained yesterday morning.
how i wish i was sitting near the window
so i can have a look outside.

its has been a long time
since i last wished for the rain to come
so i can indulge in peace.

the rain poured so 'heavily' yesterday
i only gave it a crooked smile
and let it dry

questions fumbled
ghost, they say,
only a fool was thee

it quiet down some how
but continued effortlessly after a while
curious. curious, they say

as i lay on my table
i fell asleep
into a deep sleep

woke up to see my teacher
beside me waiting for my paper
i handed it in half awake.

for i saw something on my table
i couldnt believe what i saw at first
but evidence told me,
wrong, evidence convinced me
that it is, .....

i took it out of my bag,
i held it tight,
i laid on my table,
and dreamt again.

i dreamt on the pouring rain
i wish for the rain once again

cramp.

this round of the BM papers really WORKED my right hand out. =( write till cramp pulak. ish! its not like i dont write often. hmm.. first time i've written an essay i am quite satisfied with in my BM papers. =D

studied sastera until 3am in the morning. i was so afraid it wasnt worth it at first. but after that paper ended, yea, its worth it. ;) although i am dead tired, butrather safe than sorry. =)

bad thing about today is, grace tay's class will be writing an essay again! D: haih. 3 essays in a day. =(

english tomorrow. hmmm... what time will i sleep tonight? xD after i finish all the literature components, then i'll sleep. i hope it'll be well. =)

situations.

yes or no?

this simple question bugged me the WHOLE day yesterday. i was pretty much exhausted from the LONG day and i have to think about this question n.i.c.e.l.y. luckily i have company for this situation :) thanks!

***

with a sharp E for my add maths, i decided that i couldnt think about my image or embarrassment anymore. finally, i took up my courage and entered the F4 class ALONE. idk, i just feel that its kinda embarrassing entering a F4 class when i'm actually a F5 student. lol.

i am going again next week for the sake of my dear add maths!

***

i couldnt get away from the computer. ish! must must must change this attitude!

i must learn to 'berani kata TAK NAK!' xD xD

***

so long for now :)

skipped school.

1. too lazy.
2. biology and chemistry is a total waste of time. (4/9 periods wasted)
3. facing a lil health problems lately.
4. too tired.
5. gotta do homework.

hmmm.. yup, those are the reason i give myself so i could force myself to stay at home today. motive, to rest more. but at the same time, i must have enough discipline to study instead of doing too much irrelevant stuff eg. what i am doing now? =X

i wish every test would be over FAST! i dont want to have so many sleepless nights. studying into the nights kills. ish!

p.s. ah khim and me have discussed a pictogram (which i will post into this blog soon i suppose) which, is quite true for me. very very true. xp

***

flipped through a very very thick catalog on colleges and universities yesterday. was looking for the course i am opting for. i found a few colleges which suit my requirements but the pricing is so 'ohmigosh'. erm.. this is unavoidable because i cancelled ALL the malaysia universities OUT of my list. even MAHSA which i once planned to go since my cousin is there.

at first i thought SPM wouldnt be so important because i am going for the private sector. but after yesterday, ohgawd, i must double up my effort. the few colleges and universities require my ADD MATHS (i must try to get at least a B in midterm), Maths (should be no probie i guess), Biology, Chemistry and Physics (oh the terror! must work hard on this too!) As to get into those 'schools'. oh ya, and at least a credit for english (no problem..?). i must get this right.

scholarship? scholarship of course would be the best choice. but if it requires me to work for gov. sector, i am very sorry, i will not accept that scholarship. the main reason why i cancelled all m'sia colleges and universities out of my list is because i dont want to work for the gov. sector nor do anything related to them. that would be my last resort.

oh well, last sentence to this, Work Doubly Hard! gambatea!

laughs and smiles.

laughing and laughing and more laughs. =D

yakking on and on and on non-stop. =D

memperxiasuikan diri without fail of course. xD

just enjoy those times so much. =)

when will i have that chance again?

***

read a junior's blog. read it and smiled. =)

i am very glad that junior think that way.

i am very glad they liked it.

proud of them. proud that it worked.

so it PROVES that FUN isnt all that important to SAVE our members.

AS LONG AS we teach them in another way, a better way, WE STILL HAVE THEIR HEARTS!!

to our dear, stubborn xxxxxxxxx, please take note!

quantity is just a number. what's the point of having a big number of members who cant even jalan properly and always sulk when we say we need to go under the sun? quality, i dont mind having 10 members in that whole form if they can prove themselves worthy.

we are falling. we are failing. you were once a part of that too, now you are telling me its not important? hey, you must know it is all sub-related. one fail, all does. make sense of yourself. please.

diligent me.

i cant believe how diligent i was today! xp

once i entered class in the morning, i started taking out all my maths and add maths homework. scribbled and scribbled and scribbled! finished everything by recess. =DDD first time la. xD

drew around 20+ graphs for Mr. Low. (now i really dislike looking at graphs) finished all the matrices homework (first time the teacher went nut-case and gave so many pages). copied all the overdue biology notes (the entire chapter 2). and well, i think that's all? hehehe

but it a huge success for me! =DD and dont know why i paid full attention to add maths tuition and physics tuition. (i am guessing there must be something wrong with me today. xD maybe i ate too much today -.-)

but seriously, i hope i keep up with this attitude for the exams will be commencing on the 19th of April. so soon! i remembered what linda said yesterday, after SPM, we can sleep 24/7! and i am waiting for 17th of Dec to come! i need the sleep!!! i look like a zombie already. ish!

TZH!! JIA YOU AR!!! =)

noob.

SOME people are just so HARD to PLEASE.

think about yourself in other people's shoe before you open your big mouth okay?! you know how it feels, you know the depression when that happened to you, why do you want to make others feel just the same?

yeah yeah yeah, you want to be pleased. so do all of us. none of us can actually fulfill ALL your requirements so sometimes, just shut up before you say something to hurt others. haih

***

words.

speech.

once out from the pen or once exited the mouth, it wont return back. so please, to anyone or everyone who is reading this post. Always be aware of what you are going to say. Do not regret after saying it. Do not regret if people change their point of view of you from what you said.

The ‘beauty’ of speech is for speech presents the truth but also conceals many lies.

So always think twice before spilling anything out.

***

Ignore me.

life.

indifference

lifeless

meaningless

fright

envious

despair

depressed

that's all i can say.

and how childish of me to think that it was just so simple.

plain and simple turned out to be so sophisticated and loathsome.

insufficient.

what is the one thing that i lack? TIME!

the dont-know-what test is coming in less than 2 weeks. and i am totally not prepared. haih.

i must study study study hard? can i? idk.

hope i stop procrastinating soon!

fabulous. =)

well. i know i complaint about sports day a lot. especially about pebarisan. but hey, on the actual sports day, i loved it. =) even my yuck-ish pebarisan. =) here are some random photos about sports day on rumah B. =)

our avatar ears. =)

me, andrea and jia nee. =)

Mr. and Miss Rumah B. =)

me, yi xuan, ee mun and Mr. Rumah. *sorry i dont know how to spell your name* =X

well, i was kinda nervous for pebarisan, wondering if i shouted loud enough. but well. its the last day for our pebarisan. trainings and trainings all for this day. =/

here we go. all prepared. =)

eng seng leading rumah D. =) eh, champion lea. xD good job yo! =)

the end of pebarisan. =)

didnt do quite well. wasnt loud enough. =( but nevermind, i did do my best, didnt i? =)
our picture. =) my pebarisan. =) my squad? xD =)

pebarisan yo! =D

From right, Miss Rumah A, B, C, D and E. =) leng luiiis! =D

thuan song with his mummy. =) miss rumah E! leng lui bee kee. =D

draw and draw and draw some more. =) our perhiasan. =) i feel that it is the nicest of them all! xD

well. sukan is all about teamwork and competition i suppose. but hey, i feel that this year is so special. =) every rumah work like a big family. every one playing their part on sukan. =)i like the feeling so much. =)

dont know why, i just LOVE this picture. Rumah A, B, C, D, E! =)

hearts. =)

me and yi xuan. =)

you've did your very best as ketua rumah. =) jia you ar!

my avatar arms after 400m. all dropping off already. xD

tracy! =)

nyee huey. =)

may fong and kai mean. from olahraga. two of the best runners i know. also, two of the most sampat girls i know. =) i am gonna miss you guys so much! =)

jia nee, olahragawati kelas 2 2010! jia nee, good job! xD you made us all proud! =) will remember you next time. =)

pei woon, one of the most cooperative girl in rumah B's pebarisan. thank you! =)

the two boys, two of the MOST uncooperative boys in pebarisan. xD thanks anyways. =)

i love Rumah B! =)

ever since my first year in kh, i have been told that rumah B have always been in the bottom few places in sukan. first year, last place, second year, 4th place, 3rd year, 3rd place, 4th year, 2nd place. last year was the best achievement for rumah B. =) and i am glad i was part of it.

this year, i have participated in rumah more than i have ever done in the past. perhiasan, pebarisan, tr-ing here and there. i feel that rumah B is the best rumah no matter how bad our results were. =) i love rumah B. =)

this year, rumah B got the last place again. =/ but i dont feel that we are the last. yes, its true, we are the last by marking, 70+ marks behind the 4th rumah. so what? i feel that we are champions at heart. =) running for rumah, running for sukan, participating in sukan is part of my life. hearts this part of my life. =)

rumah B. =)

sze ming and cho jet. =) great fellows who helped me a lot. =)

rumah B boleh! xp

never ending sampat-ness. =)

time to go home. =(

everyone is leaving. =]



***

the end of hari sukan marks the end of my running life in KH. i will miss it. i am sure i will. obedience towards the rules and spirits of sports. sacrificing for the name of the house. discipline towards yourself and also towards your house. well, these are some of the things which i dont learn in other places. seriously, not even in st john.

my last hari sukan. =(

my best hari sukan. =)

thank you, sze ming for always helping me in pebarisan. =) if you think they've done well, it was because of your help. thanks! =)

thanks, eric, for helping with pebarisan as well. although you cant help on the actual sports day, at least you tried during trainings. =)

thank you, thuan song, for everything. =) you helped me more than eric did. lol. that's why i asked you to be my assistant right when i knew i was ketua but you refused. thanks for the physical and moral support and thanks for your honey lemon. xD

yi xuan, finally, its over. xD no more pestering for trainings yo? xD thank you as well. thanks for giving me this chance to learn so much. =) i miss hi5, so does eric, jing jie and joo swee. when's our gathering? xD thank you so much. =)

a big thank you to all those who participated in pebarisan. sorry for yelling. =X although you guys really made me feel like i want to strangle you all some times but hey, you guys did leave me a wonderful pebarisan memory. =) thank you all! =)


***

i love sports =)

i love sports day =)