preparation for camp~ and how i feel~

oh yea~!!
combined camp is just around the corner!
oh jeez, i cant wait!!
i've learnt so much from combined camp last year!!
not to mention that's the best camp i've ever been to..
^^

- - - - - - - - - -
okay, this might be a bit weird, but,
while being excited and all,
im actually afraid..
because i know, i wont be able to make it alive..
there's people out there wanting me to fall..
but I CANT FALL!
i dont want to lose in the face of these people..
i would so like to scold '****king b**ch!' out loud,
but that's so so rude!

after an incident today,
i really dont know how to react..
either react with hate or ignorance..
i might choose to ignore,
because I AM NOT WEAK!
DONT YOU EVER MESS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE!
you will so regret messing with me..
i'll turn up better than expected!
just you wait!
- - - - - - - - - -

okay, back to preparation,
i put a lot of effort into my group this year..
i didnt even do so much last year..
dont know why?
i regretted for not helping them out last year..
[frankly, i liked SUGARCANES more, SORRY, Hi5!! T^T]
im packing my bag later..
but i think i wont have trouble with that,
since i know what needed and what not..
so its much easier.. hehe
i hope i can enjoy CC '08 with Hi5 as much as i did with SUGARCANES!
i hope all Hi5 will enjoy CC '08 to the fullest!! ^^
Hi5 is the best!! yes! ^^
[[sugarcane geng!
sugarcane giong!
sugarcane yiong!
sugarcane zin eh si moe tak teng!! xD ]]
(miss y'all SUGARCANES!)

disappointed..

i so want to shout out now!
"Oh My Gawd! Waliau eh!"
what do you guys think??!!
we are perfecto?!
we are not brilliant!
we didnt even improve since the last year..
and what did you all do?
play around??!! that's not even a suggestion here!!
come on! we all are below average here!
the other team is improving day by day..
what about us?? we're still left in the dumpster!
and you guys think its FUN?
please, stop all the joking!
i know its gonna be very 'sienz' if we're always serious,
we can joke after we know your mistakes..
please dont joke when we're practising!
where's all the laughing getting us?
NO WHERE I TELL YA!
i dont think its funny at all..
i feel very disappointed..
i feel like im useless..
i feel hopeless!
im really am sorry if i was too strict with you all..
im sorry if i went overboard..
but all i wanted was you guys to listen to me for a sec..
and for you guys to not talk about other topics..
i know you guys wanna catch up after being apart for a week,
but not now, okay??
you guys can do so when we're having a break..
let us at least practise our basics first..
you guys can catch up another day/time..
we have less than half a year..
do you guys remember what happened the last time?
we regret not being serious during the year,
we were only serious when we knew we cant have training again..
do you want to feel the same next February?
regret that we are not ready at all?
not to mention our opponents are strong teams!
please, dont do that during the next training..
I BEG YOU GUYS!!!

it all comes to me now. .

i dont know, i never thought of it this way..
today, i read a book
(actually this book is fiction and about fantasies),
but i actually learnt some things from this book..
i think not many will have heard of this book,
its name is INKHEART..
(that's not really important)

the main thing i want to say is,
according to a character in this book,
"fear devours everything"
even if you have rehearsed,
or you have it set in your mind,
once you are afraid,
all is gone..

and come to think of it,
many people are actually 'applying' that concept in their lives..
for examples of fear is the fear of losing something to our friends,
the fear of being left behind,
the fear of being underestimated,
and so many more..

all these 'fear' can actually make people forget who they are,
it tarnishes the conscience of one,
for one is willing to do anything, even betrayal,
so that one will not be left behind and will be accepted..
these fear are really the trouble that's happening around us..
some think they are doing the right thing to be accepted,
but actually it is wrong, so wrong..
this is an act of a selfish person..
an act which will make others hate him/her more..

one should not portray this kind of fear..
we should tolerate and cooperate,
one who puts on a one-man-show will end up regretting..
learn to accept who others are,
learn to accept others for their suggestions,
you might find out that their ideas are better..
who knows?
also, learn to accept own flaws,
nobody is prefect,
we are who we are,
no matter how we change our outsides,
or how we act, we are still the same on the inside..
dont be greedy for things that will make us lose or treasures,
which is our valued friends, family and our self~!

now i understand why people are jealous,
because of their fear..
fear devours everything,
this means it will lead them to do the wrong things. . . .

[p.s this is a note-to-self (means for me),
and also as a reminder to all my friends]

the holidays [part 1]

the holidays kinda started some time ago..
and what did i do during the hols?
i keep repeating the same thing..

1. eat
2. sleep
3. watch tv
4. online!
5. reading
6. tuition

if this continues,
i'll be unrecognisable in no-time
my brain is hardly even functioning
[except for add math class and homework]
im wasting my time at home
my parents wont let me out..
i thought about going to work,
found a place too,
but they said no..
this holiday is really killing me..
i wanna go to school~ T^T

p.s i kinda missed the time i was preparing for PMR
at least i was occupied with things to do..
not sitting around, 'loitering' in my own house! xD

today, another day..

i was thinking, what if(s)..
what if everything was what its supposed to be?
what if we cant change anything?
what if i was wrong about my decision?
what if i was wrong from the start?
what if . . .

i dont dare to bring myself to think about it anymore..
its not that simple, its something more than that..
i felt lost around a few months ago
(although im not saying when)..
i decided, why not try this route again..
this time i might be right..
but im wrong again..

so..
maybe it was meant to be wrong..
maybe it was never right in the first place..
felt so dumb,
felt like a kid,
felt like im binded with ropes..
cant get loose..
struggling and struggling..
barely holding on..

i know somebody will say
" wuuhuu~! i win! you lost! "
i know somebody will be happy..
i know what's suppose to happen next..
i can see it in front of me..
but what can i do?
it seems this way..
im helpless~

a song which sings my feelings out loud

When the night won't fall and the sun won't rise
And you see the best as you close your eyes
When you reach the top as you bottom out
But you understand what it's all about

Nothing's ever what it seems
In your life or in your dreams
It don't make sense, what can you do
So I won't try makin' sense of you

[Chorus:]
Love just is... whatever it may be
Love just is... you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
don't know what I love you for... love just is

When you ask to stay and then disappear
It seems you're gone but you're really here
When every move seems out of place
But every kiss is filled with grace

Some things never get defined
In your heart or in your mind
It don't make sense, what can you do
So I won't try makin sense of you

[Chorus]
Don't ever ask me for reasons
I can't get to you
Don't ever ask me for reasons
Why I live for you... I just do

I just do

[Repeat second stanza]

[Chorus]

= Love Just Is by Hilary Duff =