idiot-ish.

i am being so ridiculous. yea yea, this is me, cant change this stupid attitude no matter how much i want to.

i feel like a jerk. i made myself feel pathetic, i made my friends in dilemma whether to help me or just leave me facing my headaches, nightmares all by myself.

ARGHH!!! i want to scream, i want to shriek!!!!!!

i dont want to burden my friends, not now, not ever. ><


**, i know your habit, i know what you are intending to do. just so you know, i understand you more than you think i do.

**, i can only give you my sincere apologies. i am truly sorry for the trouble and my stupidity.

**, thank you, my friend. =') du bist sui laa, i will remember that. =') i know, i know, exams is around the corner. i wont give up no matter how much i want to. thank you! =)

**, did i managed to help you or did i burden you even more? i am sorry if i did. ><> i wish you all the best! **, jia you!! you once said that to me, now its my turn to tell you. =) jyjy!!!

end of August.

it has come to the end of August. 2 more days and it'll be the starting of a new month. that means a month closer to the year end exam. and dang it! i havent started my revision. thanks to lazy me, im flunking. when my parents asks me why, i'll tell them because i dont feel like studying anymore? hmm.. maybe that'll be a good reason. maybe i'll get myself out of that situation after getting 2 slaps on the face, just so i know shame is 5-fingered.

on the other side, i still have difficulty sleeping at night. really really hard to get myself to sleep and hell knows why. i tossed and turned on my bed for 3 hours last night before i fell asleep. all those horrible nights. all those unbearable nights. when i can finally get myself to sleep, i have nightmares. so dramatic. hate those nights, cold under the covers and restless.

sometimes i just feel like getting out of the city and go to the country side. go to a wide field where i can oversee the horizon. lay there and watch the scenery, watch the sky, watch the stars. or maybe just shout my throat out to cool myself down. i want to go about, go relax, go get a good night sleep...

that's all i want. is that too much to ask for?

8/8/09

finally it's over.
i dont know whether i am happy about that or not.
happy because finally i've completed this activity.
sad is because seniors were disappointed and so am i.
an achievement? or a disappointment?
有其senior, 必有其junior.
you guys trained them, so you guys should know them.
sorry, no offence, honestly, i dont think it was entirely my fault.
it was my fault i trusted the wrong people.
but it was not my fault their attitude was like that.
you guys knew i scolded them in front of everybody.
you guys knew i was angry just as you guys are.
hey, i really did give them all i've got.
i did not select those they chose to put.
besides, who were the ones who ran away from everything that has a mirror and a flash? you guys.
so how am i going to give them nice ones when there isnt any?
please be more reasonable? please?
yes, i know, everything ran late.
the luck was not on our side.
but at least we were still early in the end, ok?
and yes, it was really not presentable.
but you guys havent seen the first one.
if you've seen that, you'll say this is much much better.
honestly speaking, i've given up the will to please you all a long time ago.
what's the point?
i'm the new appointed secretary today.
i am happy about it.
really, i am really really delighted.
but because of what happened, it means nothing.
fine fine fine.
why should i be upset over spilt milk?
regretting does not make up for anything.
what's over is over.
like it or not, just take it or leave it.

disappointed.

quite angry for myself for giving them a chance.
really really angry at myself for getting myself into this kind of filthy situation.
gotta pick up my own mess.
gotta get everything back right on track.
please-o-please-o-pretty-please with a cherry on top!
let this activity go well.
i solute my vivian for making it a success last year.
i wonder how she did it.
for me, its a miracle if everything works out >.<

exhausted.

seriously, many people are falling sick lately.
some of the people i know are in bed instead of in class.
and i was wondering something...

WHY CANT I BE LIKE THEM?!

i want to be in bed the whole day!
i want to sleep.
i want to rest.
i want to get away from everything.
i dont want to face reality.
it is so lifeless, so not meant to be.

i am tired.
i feel sore.
my whole body aches.
i think i will be joining my friends soon.
i am having a quite-bad sorethroat right now.

do i wish to get well soon?
or do i wish to fall sick sooner?
i rather suffer the pain of being sick then to sleep through my classes.
haih! let's just see whether i will topple one fine day.

to my friends who are sick,
take care, rest more and get well soon!
because, if you two are sick,
i have to clean up our garbage!
dont do that to me!
we are in the same department de lea.
come back to school and tolong laa.. xD
just kidding, get well soon! =)

for myself, hope i can finsih my homework in time and rest more as well >.<

no spirit.

i do not feel right these few days.
feel so angry, so moody, so stupid.
but the problem is,
i dont know why i feel like this.
sorry to those whom i've hurt their feelings.
sorry.

i dont feel like doing anything anymore.
feel like taking a long rest.
want to take a long holiday.
away from everything..

careless me.

i lost one of my birthday present today. oh so shit! and it costs 100++! so so so sad!! so frustrated! was it really my fault? or was it just stupidity? i wouldnt have lost it if nothing happened this morning. haiz. i was quite angry when i found out. really upset! i liked that very very very much! >.< how can i be so stupid! ='(

im getting there~

i am almost there.
a few more days and eureka!!
i am so so waiting for that day!

it rained today.
seems so nice! =)
i want to see the rain again!
i want it to refresh my mind.
i want to lead a stress-free life.
tell me, everything will be ok =)

i can feel the raindrops pounding.
will the raindrops cheer me up?
yes, i think they did =D

fed-up ~

i give up!
so fed-up!
why do i have to go through this?
forget it!
you are not the only one who's tired.
what about us?
i know your friends got your back.
i know you are better.
but can i say, u suck?
i am so fed-up!

i think i'm sick ~

i think i am falling sick.
my head aches so badly.
i feel my insides are burning.
i dont feel better no matter how much i rest.
(ps. i just woke up around 20 minutes ago)
i am online searching for my project when i should really be at my tuition right now.
such a failure? haha
maybe.
i think i just need more rest.
and dont think so much! xD
now i have to continue to click on my documents
hope i'll recover soon >.<

awkward ~

how can one not give up?
im receiving pressure from my parents.
the sweet talk last time we always had when they are not satisfied with my academic process does not work anymore.
i too, gave up on myself.
it seems that im wrong in whatever way.
so, what's the point of contributing so much?
i can chill and relax.
keep my mind off things.
it would be the best way.
i feel that im just making a fool of myself.
again, i ask myself, why put so much effort when i am not appreciated?
im just a stupid girl who thinks im ok.
i was so so so wrong.
come on, give up.
its totally useless not to give up.

i dont fit in T'T ~

i dont think i fit in.
i am always a loner.
dont know where to go.
just following instructions.
what happened to all those so called 'jimui'?
i cant even talk to them anymore.
i remembered that i used to call one of them every night and talk our hearts out.
we can talk about everything.
we never run out of topics.
but now, everything changed.
last time, i talk to you guys almost every minute in school.
now, the sentences i said to you guys are less than 10 each day.
i cant fit in with you guys.
you said that its because i have schin beside me,
but i dont think so.
schin is my best friend,
and so are you guys!
i thought we promised to be best friends at least until we graduate from secondary.
we are not graduating this year!
2009 brought BIG changes to my life.
i never felt so useless before in my life.
i've lost my 2 very very good friends,
i've got so suck-ish results,
my co curriculum is 'merosot-ing',
everything is changing!
i am not the happy go lucky me anymore.
i cant smile when i like to,
i feel stressed everyday,
i feel like crying everytime.
i want my buds back!
where have they gone?
i dont know. >.<
i just hope everything will be like last year.
always smiling, no pressure, no worries!

never thought about it ~

i've never thought about this before.
i never thought it would be like this as well.
i thought it was supposed to be the exact opposite.
i dont know.
i dont think i can make a conclusion.
i am not sure about what i am thinking.
is this what i really wanted?
is this going to make me happy?
satisfied? regret? cant let go?
i dont know.
i dont know!
why must things be so complicated?
is this called life?
why cant things be more simpler.
then i wont have so many strands of white hair.

suddenly i realize ~

suddenly, i realize, that i need not be so good.
suddenly, i realize, i need not sacrifice so much.
suddenly, i realize, no matter how much i do, its is nothing.
suddenly, i realize, when i help, it seems like trouble to you guys.
suddenly, i realize, i am nothing.

nothing.

i need not make my commitment.
i need not be so 'pia'.
i need not to bother.
i can relax, chill and let go.
no point for me to stay, am i right?
nothing i say matter.
my existence is invisible.
compared to somebody who makes stupid and ridiculous tantrums, i am nothing.
you guys listen to her for the fear that she will be pissed if she was disobeyed.
but what about me?
do i matter?
i have feelings too!
i dont have such a stupid character like her,
so i dont need so much attention?

answer is, YES.
i am just nothing.
as i suddenly realize.
it is time for me to let go.
once i've finished my duties at the moment.
i am leaving.

i am not me? ~

i feel weird.
i feel left out.
i feel like i am not me.
i am not what i used to be.
i dont know what happened to me.
it seems like i've changed.
i feel so different.
like i dont care anymore.
like i cant be bothered.
i've never felt this way before.
i know some people noticed my change,
but others still take me for granted.
you guys think you are right?
well, think again!
i want to get away.
i want to go somewhere else.
away from the 'fake face' of you guys.
far far away. . .

so pekchek! ~

why so last minute?
if i am a member, and tell me at this time of the day that i need to attend an activity tomorrow, i dont think i will attend lo.
it is not our fault!
it is all the problems brought by the brains of people who cant think straight.
yea yea yea, good in both academic and co curriculum huh?
not bad, high expectations.
but with what you are doing to the school,
banning all our activities, do you think our school will be good in both academic and co curriculum? i dont think so!
you guys made all the co curriculum bodies pekchek like hell just because of your one sentence!
and you think it is smart?
i say its all rubbish!
stupid rules!

Arggh! == ~

stupid internet connection!
waited for one hour plus already laa..
still cant get to the page i want! T'T
today already really pekchek maa.
still want me to suffer like this ==
why so so so slow?!
i refresh the page a few zillion times already!
so pekchek & so frustrating in school!
hate hate hate! =(
sad sad sad~ haiz ='((((
luckily the line to my blog isnt that slow.
or i'll really go bazooka! >.<